False Sense of Responsibility

The adversary tricks mothers' minds into believing that if something is going awry in their family (ex. kids fighting) that it is her fault. For those of us who have a certain personality type - the perfectionist - we become irritated, frustrated, angry and believe that we have to fix the situation by making our kids stop fighting, listen and obey us. If our kids stop and listen then we think we are succeeding, so we try until we are forcing and it's still not working thus we feel the guilt and continue being angry. This is the adversary's way of giving us a false sense of responsibility.
I was talking to my mother-in-law (who raised 11 children) and my brother-in-law who is a social worker and they both told me I was taking on a lot of guilt for my children's decisions. Children are going to make their own decisions.
I want peace, unity, and encouragement in my home but I need to unlearn this false sense of responsibility. This would enable me to stop internalizing my kids' arguments, responding in a desperate "I'm failing but I have to do SOMETHING" manner.

Release the obligation you've taken on. You are not the one grabbing a toy from your little sibling nor hitting another. You CAN be positive (shift the focus), be encouraging, teach principles, unify, be an example, serve.
You are held accountable for your actions. Certain child behavior is normal and it is sad that we feel pressure placed on us by others judgments and even comments. Those things are also ways that the adversary instills false beliefs. Think of the Savior and how no matter what others did around him or to him, he never tried to control them but was always in control of himself. To the woman whom he said, "go thy way and sin no more"; it was her choice what she would do and he was not accountable for her actions whether she listened or not.
I am not dismissing anything here. Imagine one parent approaching another showing obvious disappointment and speaking in an upsetting tone pointing out what their child has done wrong. Perhaps it is a parent-child exchange and the parent is reflecting in a like-manner to their child, demonstrating their disappointment. On the other hand, if a principle is reiterated in a loving and encouraging way, which approach is more conducive to a unified family and community?

We know eternal truths, we have our Heavenly Father's Spirit within us. The adversary presses upon us the false sense of responsibility that all are watching us and our children have to get it right NOW! Let the Savior calm the storm inside of you. They will get it. The true responsibility is that we lovingly teach our children correct principles. That we have faith in them, encourage them. Contribute to the bettering of ourselves and others, and if you do this, your children will unify themselves.

Like Our Father

I was kneeling down to pray tonight and thought about my little girl. I said, "Do you think our relationship would be better if I spent more one-on-one attention with her, really listening to all she has to talk about? Would all of my children be more obedient toward me if I strengthened each relationship that way rather than herding them around as a group?"

Then the epiphany came. That is the way our Heavenly Father does it; individually. He knows each one of us individually. He listens to all we have to say when we pray to Him.

I believe that when our children have those special times with us where they get to connect with us and really feel loved, they have an increased desire to please and obey us. This adds to family harmony and is another way for us to be like our Father in Heaven.

Do You Ever Just Snap?

I can hold it together pretty well through the chaos of Motherhood. I say chaos because there's so much work to do: kids to feed, shoes to put on, siblings arguing over a toy, unyielding laundry in the background, etc. I try to be organized, prepared with ideas, a few discipline tricks up my sleeve, and all with a smile because it's good to be positive. However, being human I get tired, hungry, sometimes in a hurry, and there's usually more than one thing happening at a time.

I absorb the back talk once, but the second time (after I've been calm and patient all day) causes me to snap! "Why do I get mad?", I ask myself. "Why didn't I just handle it the right way? I could have held my tongue."

Well here's an encouraging idea. There are storms in life that shake us up at times and the only one who can calm them is the Savior. My children even snap sometimes and it just makes me more upset. I asked myself, "What would help difuse the moment? What do I need?" Well, it's not advice, nor scolding. I would need someone to wrap their arms around me and whisper, "It's all right." To just hold me until the urgency and overwhelming sense of responsibility that I am feeling is released.

The scriptures teach us that, "A gentle answer turneth away wrath." When our children are having an off moment in the day that disrupts the family harmony, we should wrap our arms around them and calm the storm.

Get Them Moving

My kids are always trying to move the girls clothes from their room to the boys room so they can all share a room. Cute, but that's not why we bought a four-bedroom house; everybody needs their space. So I said, "Oh wow, you've cleaned up all the clothes already? Let's go check." "No, no!", they cried racing me up the stairs. So I asked them if they think they could clean it up in five minutes or if they needed ten minutes to clean it and they chose ten. "Alright", I said, "I'll set the timer. Let's see if you can beat it!" And they all ran upstairs for a fun little competition.

Make it Sweet

Today was sweet. I planned to go to yoga this morning but then I got working around the house. Let me back track.
I woke up too late... my five-year-old boy was already awake which means- don't even try to get in the shower until after he gets to school. So we are off with one minor tantrum before our family prayer. As soon as I dropped my little guy off he ran the whole way to his class, stumbling into people, arms out like the wings of a plane. There was no teacher on duty to holler, "Walk!" I knew in my soul he was going to have a rough day.
I get home and fold some clean laundry, ahhhh smells so good. I iron seven or eight things, then clean the kitchen. I take the girls to the grocery store (which I like to imagine is a market that they will have fond memories of from their childhood one day.) We come home, make lunch, and my youngest I put down for her nap. The funny thing is that when I was cleaning around the house I had been wondering about my son. I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? They tell me I can't bring him there anymore? It's a public school, they have to teach him." Well, the phone rang. It was the school. "Your son has been suspended for running out of the classroom and for pushing a boy against the wall. You can pick him up now if you want to." ..."Now why would I want to do that?" I asked her. "Part of the consequence is that he gets to sit in the office until 3:00 when school is over. I'll pick him up then." Well, I tried to stay calm. How did I know? I prayed and picked him up at 3:00. I didn't want to have to deal with temper tantrums for the rest of our day so I didn't talk to him about it until daddy got home. We've taught him and he knows he's not supposed to run away or hit people. When is my day when my son stands up and says, "I doubt not, my mother knew it!"? Not now. So daddy's consequence is that he has to stay in his room all day tomorrow until school is over; no staying home and having fun. Gee, just like jail. Have ya ever been tempted to take your kid on a tour of the detention center? Even stick em' in there with some mean guys for a few minutes?
There is so much to learn as a parent. The day was still sweet because I made a decision to stay home and take care of my house. It wasn't rushed and busy. I think I stay busy to keep myself going so I don't have to think about stress. So I can have things for my kids to do rather than quarrelling at home. I liked being home and giving my children the opportunity to problem-solve. When it came time to deal with my son I wasn't so stressed. Then I made another decision not to become angry but to deal with my son in the most responsible and practical way I could. It's also great to have a husband I can talk to. I wouldn't survive motherhood without him! And off to the church he went fot the night.
It's so sad to have to discipline our children, but it's so important that we do it with love (tough love too). All the while we are learning and developing further, ourselves.

My Mothering Story

Today was our ward conference and my husband is the bishop so he wasn't sitting with us. I decided not to take toys to church with us because they defeat their purpose in keeping kids well-behaved. So I was being insistent on the kids sitting up, not crawling under benches, nor dancing in the aisle, and definitely folding arms during prayers. Well, I had to grab my children at times and hold them in a locked position until they agreed to sit reverently. Come on, I can't take one out or the others will follow. So, at one point I look up and realize that the stake presidencies of all the auxiliaries are in our sacrament meeting and one in particular from the primary presidency is staring me down. I quickly looked away and then back to see if she was still looking, which she was, then I popped my eyebrows up like, "What!" Then looked away again thinking, "It's been so long she doesn't remember."
Between using the LOVE AND LOGIC parenting techniques (which I totally love and am of the opinion that they correlate with gospel principles),trying to follow Larae's example of being SWEET AND CALM, keeping a TONE that is non-negotiable so as to cut down on arguments-get more cooperation and help my children feel secure with me, as well as being CONSISTENT in assisting them do what I expect (i.e. sit still in sacrament mtg)... I think I may be getting the hang of how to mother; five years and three children later...
I didn't have an example of how to raise children when I was young. Presently I read, look to others, and learn from trial and error. I realized today that people have different trials in their lives that they are assigned to come unto Christ in despite of. I have lots of other trials once grand but now small, but in the department of motherhood mine is not having an example to draw from; not small children anyway. I was adopted when I was 15 and my mother did a great job with us as teenagers. Perhaps that's why I feel so comfortable with them.
Then I thought that this was a pretty well-devised test on the Lord's part. I have a son who keeps me so busy with his demands, who needs a lot of guidance and instead of raising him the way somebody else would I am compelled to raise him as the Lord would have him brought up. This is because the guidance I receive is from the Spirit each day.
In our ward conference today we sang the hymn Be Thou Humble no. 130. The words in the first part of the second verse took me back.
"Be thou humble in thy calling and the Lord thy God shall teach thee, to serve his children gladly with a pure and gentle love."
I know I am always concerning myself with what others may be thinking. Not sure, nor confident. When my children respond with crying and refusals I get this feeling inside that really upsets me. That I'm doing it incorrectly, there must be a calmer solution we could agree on, if the children are unhappy with me maybe the Lord is unhappy with me. And then I knew, that growing doesn't always feel good. It's difficult to stand by what I feel is right when my children are upset and blaming me, "you're mean mom!" The realization is this is what life is. It's the same process we are going through with our Heavenly Father and the more I stand by my convictions in raising my children, the better it will be for them. No matter who looks at you like you're crazy. And I know I can always go to the Lord for strength to stay the course. It doesn't always feel good, it's adversity, and in the words of my stake president, "it sanctifies us."

Love and Logic Week

Oh my goodness. I have a lot more confidence disciplining. One secret is to not show that you're mad or upset, instead show that you can deal with no sweat! My children have been fighting way less because there are unspoken consequences (just say "uh oh" and follow through with an action) they've been listening to me and arguing less. I have not been really frustrated since before the year started hence my heart rate and blood pressure have dropped and I have more energy!!! Wow I'm telling you setting limits in a loving way and letting kids deal with consequences instead of me taking on all of their tiffs really teaches them a lot and improves their behavior. Eliminating whining and promoting sweetness is great. I love giving my kids two choices and having them pick one (complying with what I need them to do.) It sure beats the heck out of telling them what to do, they get mad, they argue, I get mad, then I do it for them.... No way, a thing of the past! So many wonderful techniques, I can't wait to attend a seminar and listen to the CDs.